So you want to birth a baby.

I'm really happy to report that I've birthed another human. It's a great feeling to have a baby on the outside instead of crowding out my insides.

Here's how it all went down. If you don't like talk of cervixes or uteri or generally birthy things, now is your chance to escape.

My body dilates early. So at 36 weeks I was dilating, 37 weeks still dilating and I got to a 3 and 50/60% effaced and just stayed. Because that's what I do. After that NOTHING changed. Ever. And if you've been pregnant you know that somehow, despite the overwhelming evidence that everyone eventually does go into labor, you believe you will be the ONE who is pregnant for the rest of your life. So 40 weeks came and my back and body and especially my mind were oh so done with being pregnant. However, I am not a fan of intervention on this front. I really prefer my body to be in charge, so I was willing to wait.

On my 40 week level up day (as I've come to call it) I went to the doctor. She was tired of seeing me, and I her. Here you can see what I look like when I'm pretending to smile and really want to scream:

Adam decided he should come to this appointment with me to listen to the doctor since he knew I wouldn't. (I'm everyone's favorite patient!)

They did a non stress test and everything was hunky dory. They weren't thrilled with how I was growing. Apparently they thought the growth should be in my belly and not my hips. But I know I don't really grow out much at the end I just get incredibly uncomfortable while the baby rides high and low and stretches out.

Next the doctor turned away from me and just talked to Adam. Pretty much she wanted to induce me and I wanted her to go away.

Her concerns:

1-I wouldn't get to the hospital in time. This is actually kind of valid to me. I think I would wait a really long time because laboring in a hospital is so not fun and then have a baby in the car.

2- I was dilated/effaced enough that I should be able to go into natural labor without any issue once they got me started.

3-She pays a ridiculous sum in malpractice insurance and likes babies out better than babies in after 40 weeks and really doesn't care if that means getting them out via c-section should the induction cause issues (she didn't say this, but it's true)


Anyway. Normally Adam just goes with me on these things, but in the days leading up to this 40 week mark he had been getting increasingly anxious about getting the baby here and that's just not very Adamic. He's always a cool cuke. I, however, am always a mess. Add pregnancy into the mix and I'm a hot mess. So I figured if Adam, the reasonable one, felt like we needed to do this, I could go with him on that.

So we decided to have a baby. That day.

My mom already had Zo and Mia was at school so we ran some clothes and whatsits and whoosits to my mom and then went to the hospital.

I was really not excited.

The deal with labor and birth is I really prefer it to start on its own so I don't have to make this decision. What kind of crazy person just says I WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS TODAY! No. Bodies are supposed to force us to do it.

But I felt pretty calm (that never happens) and ready to have a baby man so we checked in and sat. and sat. and sat. I thought maybe they were going to send us away but an hour or so later we got checked in and at 3 pm they broke my water.

I have a lot of opinions about the way my birth goes.

I've been induced and hated everything about that, except the actual delivery. I hated the way I was totally ignored when I was like ENOUGH WITH THE PITOCIN I'M IN LABOR NOW. And I still shudder when I remember getting the epidural. My back is fused RIGHT where the needle needs to go, so there was a lot of trial and A LOT of error in getting that. Ohhhhhh the shuddery feelings I have remembering that. But I felt it was necessary since the pitocin continued to be cranked up every 30 minutes until it was just unbearable.

Then with Zo I pretty well got what I wanted. It was a pretty quick labor, I didn't have to labor a really long time in the hospital, I could move however I wanted since there wasn't an IV holding me into one uncomfortable position the whole time. But oh, oh how the actual delivery sucked.

This time I decided to be more dedicated to my hypnobabies practice to help out with the delivery, but I really didn't want pitocin because I wanted to have the labor go more like it did with Zoey's.

Again, doctors love me. (I really do try to be as unobnoxious as I can about it, but I can feeeel their rolling eyes)

So yeah, they broke my water and wanted to get me on pit, but I asked that they put in a saline lock instead and wait to see what would happen. After a while I could feel the contractions starting, nothing too regular, but they were coming.

This of course wasn't good enough for them. But I learned with Zoey that gravity is my friend in labor. So when they started on my case to get pitocin I'd ask to stand up and walk around instead (one nurse said: That doesn't really help, if you're in labor you'll stay in labor and progress in bed. I say: you should go back to school or something because you're wrong). So I walked and we watched tv while I paced around the room and Lo and Behold! I progressed! Surprise!

They had to get me back on the monitors every 20 minutes or so, so after my pacing they hooked me back up. And everything stalled again.

Then 15 minutes later they wanted to start pit again so I got up and walked around again, this time through the halls.

Gravity people! I'm telling you, it's the best invention! It got things going again. After this I laid in bed and listened to my hypno tracks and just let those sweet sweet contractions come.

It was pretty funny at this point because I was dilated to a 7 or 8 and the nurses were a little weirded out. They could see I was having contractions but they didn't really believe I was having strong enough ones (and they were never especially regular..again why they wanted me on pit) because they thought I was asleep. Adam told them to just touch my arm and I'd respond, but I was hypnotized. They thought he was joking... Anyway, when they checked me and I was really progressing they finally left me along about the pitocin and realized things were coming along fine.

Things went like this for a while. I really have no memory of time through all of this. It's kind of a bi-product of the hypnobabies. I remember it being 9:15 and thinking, since Emmie Fitzgerald, the great wizard, predicted I'd have the baby that night at 9:24, I could go for that time.

Then came transition. I can tell when I'm in it because I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's really nice.

Then I start to shake really bad. Also great.

At this point no one doubted I was in full on labor mode anymore. I remembered the nurse when I had Zoey telling Adam to apply counter pressure to my back and thinking that was really helpful. My back was on freaking fire so I had Adam push against my lower back and it was MAGIC. Holy crap helpful.

I started thinking I felt pushy and the nurse checked me and said I was still an 8. I might have been discouraged here, but I knew 8-10 can happen in a second when the body's ready. That's what happened with Zoey, so I didn't lose hope.

A few minutes later I pushed my call button and yelled "HELP!"

Nurse came in and didn't want to check me because she was afraid I still wasn't dilated and wasn't ready to push. I told her to get the doctor in NOW because checked or not I was pushing.

I pushed. I felt that sweet sweet ring of fire and knew my baby was close. The doctor said "you're crowning now" and I thought YOU DON'T SAY! But I didn't say that. Instead I puuuuuushed.

Then there was a head. And I was pretty done with the whole thing. But they told me to keep pushing because apparently babies have bodies too. More puuuushing and at 10:01

A baby!

That slurpy feeling when a baby slops out is the absolute weirdest and best feeling that exists in the entire world. I'm convinced of it. 

They plopped his purple slimey self on my chest and I was just so so glad to meet him. It was such a relief. I loved hearing him cry and having him officially here and part of our family. I think it was the most emotional I've been at the birth of one of my babies. With Mia I was just riding high on what a great time delivering completely without pain was and with Zoey I was pretty ticked at how much pain I was in, but this time I just felt relief and peace to have this baby. 

We bonded, nursed, all that good stuff that comes with baby production. Then they got him cleaned up and Adam got to have some man time with him.

I can't speak for all men, but the ones I've discussed this with find birth pretty scarring. The above picture is Adam's face of total relief that was over. He's also pretty jazzed about this man child. He's even decided he really does like newborns more than he thought he does (he says that every time).

He's been a pretty great baby. He's very very blonde and very much looks like his dad. We even suspect he may have blue eyes. The doctors and nurses all liked to tell me how big his head is. Which felt quite validating after birthing said head. But really it looks pretty normal to me, so maybe my mother goggles just can't tell that he's a bobble head. Big head, small head, I think he's a delightful looking child.

Even when he pees all over me in the middle of the night.

Mia and Zoey have been over the moon in love with him.

Still, it's definitely been a transition for them. Some days are like this where sweet zoey sat and read to Sam:

Other days are like this:

When scary terrorist Zo with crazy hair won't stop screaming and Adam has to take her out for some one on one daddy daughter time. (She came home a very reasonable and delightful person)

Mia is 1000% smitten with the baby. The problem here is she's waking up extra early to see the baby (Unrested Mia=craaaazy times) and feeling ultra clingy to him and me. On Friday this meant a call from the school nurse who was convinced our actress had a terrible illness. When she got home and was clearly 100% fine I asked what was wrong and she said:

"Well, when I bend my knee it shakes!"

But I suppose sometimes we all need a day off school...so long as it doesn't happen again.

All in all though, we're adjusting nicely. My mom has babied us to a really wonderful degree so I haven't had to do laundry or clean bathrooms yet, so I guess it's easy to adjust when you don't have to do the normal things in life! I'm sure sleep will eventually come and we'll get into some kind of rhythm, but for now I'm just really enjoying loving on this sweet baby and kissing his really soft cheeks.